This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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