i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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