I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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