I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
