I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
