It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drake has all the answers
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
