Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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