my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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