guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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