Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
