is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
