Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
