If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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