JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
