i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
