If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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