I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
