Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
