so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
