good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
