I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes