I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
