his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
as a side note pls kill me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
