she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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