don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
