i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
