I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
