She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
