Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
