I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
