Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
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He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
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he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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