hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
