I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
