Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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