the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
