my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
