i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize