my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I know her cup size but not her name....
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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