your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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