I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
