I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
