Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
