Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
