I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
