Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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