alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you had me at cake vodka
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
