If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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