I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
