I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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