This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
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I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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