I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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