You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
