Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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