I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
