my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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