Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
A+ Viking dick
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
