He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize