I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
