i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
