How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
