he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize